STORM AREA 51
On September of 2019, and event took place that was supposed to shake the world. On June of 2019, internet blogger Matty Roberts put out the call to “Storm Area 51–they can’t stop all of us!” Over 2 million people responded to Roberts Facebook post, with another 1.5 million saying they were interested. The suggestion was made that “If we Naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets!” The whole idea stemmed from the fact that it has been rumored for decades that crashed alien saucers were being reverse-engineered and even bodies of aliens themselves were being held at Area 51. Many feel that the Air Force (who currently operates the base) needs to come clean and reveal to the public all of their research on flying saucers, and of course, those alien bodies. Such disclosure would shake our beliefs to their core, and have a profound effect on society as a whole.
Okay, let’s come on back down to planet earth. But no, seriously–this was a real thing. The media latched on to it, and for the first time in many years, they were paying attention and running news stories about Area 51, flying saucers, and little gray aliens. Notice I didn’t say green? Well, gray is the new green. The Air Force issued a statement warning people to stay away from Area 51, since they have a “use of deadly force authorized” order against trespassers. Local towns like Rachel and Hiko Nevada feared they would be overrun by the so-called “stormers.” And local law enforcement also warned against trespassing on the base. No one seemed to be listening. Chatter on the internet was brisk, and it seemed as if the promised millions would indeed show up to “see them aliens.” The event was set for September 20, and everyone held their breath.
My concerns were logistical. Two million people need a lot of water. Not to mention food. And toilet paper. And how are two million people even going to get to the bases’ perimeter? There’s only one road into the base, which is surrounded by thousands of square miles of forbidding desert. Just to get even a fraction of that many people there would be an insurmountable task. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who is still alive and attended Woodstock. They had to fly Joni Mitchel out via helicopter in order for her to play at another venue the day following her performance at Woodstock because the roads were completely clogged!
So say you manage to get 2 million people there, at the perimeter of Area 51. What are they going to drink? What are they going to eat? And don’t forget the fact that the base proper, i.e., the buildings housing those elusive alien bodies and reverse-engineered saucers are some 15 miles from the perimeter fence. That’s a long way to “Naruto run” in the darkness, since the event was scheduled to begin at 3:00 a.m., so everyone would be running in pitch darkness. Anyone who has spent any time in the desert at night knows how dark it can get. No one would be running–they would all be stumbling around aimlessly in pitch black.
And even if say, 10,000 people showed up and did start to make their way across the perimeter fence and onto the base. The military, and indeed the Air Force, have countermeasures specifically designed to deal with unruly crowds. One of my favorites is a “sonic disruptor,” which when trained on large crowds, causes them to lose all motor function, which includes those pesky sphincters, if loosened, would leave a whole bunch of people laying on the desert floor convulsing while having soiled themselves.
Would I be in the crowd storming Area 51? Not a chance! I’ll tell you where I would be – I would be sitting just outside the perimeter fence with several tractor-trailer loads of water, hot dogs and portable hibachis, not to mention all the “Storm Area 51” T-shirts and a goodly supply of tinfoil hats with my ghetto-blaster playing any number of space-themed hits, from the X-Files theme to Flying Purple People Eater!
Alas, the entire event turned out to be a tempest in a teapot. On September 20, only 150 people ended up making the trek to the main gate of Area 51. Two Dutch brothers were arrested for breaching the perimeter about a week before, and during the event, a lone woman wandered past the main gate. She was detained, but later released without charges. So what was supposed to be the event that would finally reveal the truth about whether or not we’re alone in the universe, and expose the military’s hiding evidence to prove the existence of extraterrestrials, turned out to be a non-event. However, there were two music festivals held in the local towns–“Alienstock” in Rachel Nevada, and “Storm Area 51 Basecamp” in Hiko Nevada. Around 1,500 people attended, but they didn’t bother to venture anywhere near the base. So much for Matty Roberts cry– “Storm Area 51–They can’t stop all of us!”
But wait! Don’t be disappointed. They’re planning to try again this year!